The Girl Behind the Pen

As much as I want to be positive today and welcome the new year with a high note, I'd have to say that 2018 was just okay. It's not a stellar year for me and kind of appalling. Nothing momentous has happened.

So on to my outfit, I'm wearing a cap and pants, both in leather materials. Some asked me how I managed to get through the heat while wearing those. Well, my top is light, the cap protects me from the sun and the pants is not that thick so I can move freely. I got this leather pants from Zaful which is similar to the women leather pants from Dresshead.

Leather Cap from Dresslily | Pants from Zaful

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At 15, I was sure about what I want to be when I grow up. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to work for a magazine. Thus, I studied Journalism.

When I turned 20, I got my first job at one of the leading TV Networks in the Philippines to be part of a magazine even before I march on the graduation stage. I was an Editorial Assistant turned contributing writer. God knows how extremely happy I was when I got to work for a magazine, not for my dream company but still, it's for a magazine. 

I did everything I said I would. I did everything I thought I wanted. I did everything people expected me to do. I thought, I was already contented that I got to fulfill one of my biggest dreams. But the excitement and proud moments of seeing your byline wears off. 

So, I took a leap and found myself in the field I said I'd never do, ever. I was too brave that time, I wasn't afraid to enter a new path even if that meant a whole new world. I got in to a world I'm clueless about. And surprisingly, I'm still here. My bosses liked my work, some even praised me for it so I thought, maybe I'm good at this. I enjoyed those moments and those matter to me a lot.

People often praise me for knowing a lot of things. Sure I can do a lot—I write, I shoot, edit photos, basic graphics, style, do hair and makeup, etc.—but I'm not sure where I'm really good at and that confused me. 

At 23, I discovered that my achievements were not enough to sustain me because it lacked soul and passion. All of that ambition, all of my accomplishments, and all of the hard work was not for me to feel good but for me to look good. In a way, it really didn’t feel like me at all.

I've come a long way, they say. But to me, I'm far from the best. There are other people at my age who has achieved more than I did. So I began to question who I was, who I am. Until I lost myself at 23.

But you know what, I've come to realize that not everything is for you, and the willingness to give up on that which you are not meant for isn’t failure, it’s a sign that you actually love yourself enough not to get stuck in a life you don’t really want.

As I enter 24 today, I'm slowly learning to just let things be. I will try not to dwell on my mistakes but rather focus on my achievements no matter how small or big they are. I'm going to do what I have to do until I can do what I want to do. I'll create the life that I want. 

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All these years, I have lived a well-planned life. Okay, mostly. I've always had my planner with me, a pen, notebook, notepad or anything that I could use for jotting down.

I want my day to be planned to avoid unfavorable circumstances. I was afraid to make mistakes for having to allow things to flow in many different ways. I want everything to go as planned. Most of the time, I succeed but there are times that I don't and it frustrates me. It takes me down. So now, I don't want to force things to happen anymore. I won't try so hard to control my life.

It's not easy but slowly, I'm learning to just let things be. 

It's not easy but slowly, I'm learning to just let things be. 

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If there's one place in Korea that I'd never get tired of going to, it's Seokchon lake. If you're coming from the city proper like Myeongdong or Dongdaemun, you'd have to take a long commute but, it's so worth it.

Let me tell you about the day we went to Seokchon lake. It wasn't actually the original plan that day because what's in our agenda was to go to Jinhae Cherry Blossoms Festival but our unmindful selves thought we're scheduled to tour at Nami Island and should assemble at the meeting place by 6am. We arrived on time for the Nami tour but, one hour late on the supposed original tour of the day, thus, we missed it.

You're bold, you're brave. You fight for what is right or at least what you think is right. You have your own opinion. You have your own voice. Fearless, as they see you. 

You give a hand to someone who needs it. You lift people up when they're feeling down. You love like tomorrow's the end of the world. Loving as they see you.

But what they don't see is that you also need love. That you don't like being alone (at times); that you don't like rejection. They see you as the strongest girl so they don't see that you're also broken inside. That you also need help; that you also need a hand to lift you up whenever your heart is heavy.

Dear you,

I will tell you something about selfish and coward people. Someone once told me that even they know they will hurt you, they will still walk to you and enter your wall to feel you because you are the type of being they don't want to miss out on.

Growing up, I was always self-conscious to the point that I want to be someone else, to look as good as the pretty girls I see in fresh pages of the magazines. But I was afraid to try a new style. I was so comfortable at how I looked, but deep inside, I know that I want more. My fifteen year-old self thought that I don't want to be just another girl in the room. I wanted to stand out. And that's when I decided to try something new. I tried to change myself.

While everyone's hustling in finding the perfect outfit to match their sparkling wines for New Year's Eve, here I am, preparing for my first day of what they call graveyard shift. If only I could stay longer at home and spend the night with loved ones, for sure I'd be the one preparing the all-time favorite buttered shrimp in soda for the night. Mind you, I love that because that's the only dish I know how to cook.

Okay, I vow to learn more dishes this year. But before that, I'll share with you some of the things I learned in 2017 because although it's a quiet year for me, there are still realizations that are worth sharing.

While there's nothing wrong with keeping our exterior body parts well-maintained, let us not forget that there's something inside us that also needs attention. So, is there anything that we, women, need to learn about health and wellness? Apparently, yes. 

Before you read on, this is not about sexual intercourse as the title could have suggested but this is about the expression of our femininity—the vagina. I know, most of you already cringed just by reading the V-word because it's a taboo subject. Can't blame you on that, girl but the fact that it is part of us and is the most significant element in a woman's body, we have to discuss it one way or the other.

So, it's the time of the year again. Today marks my 23rd birthday and I'm not happy with it. Aside from getting a year older, I feel like, this year has become the most mundane and stagnant ever.

Has been about the past. And I know that's something I (we) should not think of anymore. There have been regrets on what I thought were right decisions and still, some to make, in which my heart couldn't contemplate. Should it be what is right or what makes me happy?